Are We Done?

That seems to be the Golden question.

Admit it. You're wondering, too. Because I'm pretty sure it can't just be "in person" people who want to know.

Will there be an 8 Clown Circus? Or maybe even a 9 or 10 Clown one?

Nope, Nada, Nein.

Emphatic No.

I'm pretty sure not.

Not because I don't love kids, especially my own, but because we made the decision that our family was complete while I was pregnant with the twins. I should really say that I pushed the decision, and Jeff supported me in it, which will always mean the world to me.

He wanted more children, and frankly still does, I think. But I don't. And he respects that.

I feel like my hands are full and my heart is happy with our little 5.

But that's not all. While I was going through my last pregnancy it was so emotionally taxing that I felt strongly that I couldn't do it again. Even if someone could have given me a crystal ball and told me that I would have a easy pregnancy with absolutely zero complications, I couldn't do it, and I still feel that way today, almost 3 years later.

From the time I was 17 weeks pregnant until my babies were born 16 weeks later, I was a nervous wreck. (To read about why, visit here.) I felt emotions that are impossible to describe. I felt blessed beyond measure to be carrying TWO babies, yet I felt like my pregnancy was a ticking time bomb. I just didn't know if the bomb was active or a dud. I knew that if I lost the babies life would go on and I would be comforted. At the same time, I could barely bear the thought of not having my babies. At any given second my babies could have been wreaking havoc on each other in utero, and I was powerless to stop them. I felt utterly and totally helpless. And very few people understood. It was a very isolating time.

That pregnancy came after pregnancy #2 where baby was born with a virus I passed on to her and an induced labor where her heartrate was abnormally high for too long. And pregnancy #3 where baby had an irregular unbilical cord (2 vessels instead of 3) that caused many days of stress and fear, a CF scare and hospitalization as an infant.

Back to the the last pregnancy though. I made the decision to have aggressive inpatient monitoring for my babies. It was the best thing for them, but whether it was the best thing for our family I didn't know. I had no idea how my children and husband would deal with having me gone for more than 2 months.

I exercised a lot of faith that my family would be taken care of. I prayed constantly for the peace of mind that would tell me everything would work out well. That if it didn't I would be able to go on. I trusted that if I did everything in my power to ensure my babies made it until their scheduled premature birthday, I would get through anything. Or that if they didn't, that I did all that I could and that I would still have the strength to get through all the other things life threw my way.

Except another pregnancy. The thought of ever being pregnant again made me, um.... more than anxious.

And that sort of puts the cap on 5.

My hands are full, but my heart is fuller. And I feel content. So that's why our family isn't growing by 10 new toes.

Besides, we are already being eaten out of house and home.

So there.

The Golden Question has been answered. Now you can sleep better at night. You're welcome.

To read more answers to this question, visit one of my absolute favorite bloggers and mommy to 8, Octamom.

Oh yes. I almost forgot. The answer to the other Golden Question. We have a winner for the Twisted Silver Necklace. She must have stored up some luck because out of 166 entries, she won. Congratulations, Tiffany. Of R Family Diaries. Any chance we can share? You know, I'm thinking every other month, maybe? :)