Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Day 4: Writer's Workshop-Moxie?

Moxie is defined as having spirit and courage.

Although I would like to think that I exercise Moxie on a regular basis, the truth is that I'm not at all sure that I do. If there was ever a time in my life that I feel that I exibited Moxie, it would have to be during my twins' pregnancy. It was the most stressful, isolating, scary, emotionally taxing period of time I hope to ever live through. I know that I got through it with help, but I also like to think that it was my spirit and courage that got me through it sane, with the decision firmly made that our family was complete.

Our last familial addition was by 20 perfect little toes. I'm thankful that those 20 toes combined with the 30 perfect little toes we had at home. I have 50 toes of varying kid sizes in my home now, and that makes me very, very happy. And content. You see, 5 children is enough for me.

Not because I don't love kids, especially my own, but because we made the decision that our family was complete while I was pregnant with the twins. I should really say that I pushed the decision, and Jeff supported me in it, which will always mean the world to me.

He wanted more children, and frankly still does, I think. But I don't. And he respects that.

I feel like my hands are full and my heart is happy with our little 5.

But that's not all. While I was going through my last pregnancy it was so emotionally taxing that I felt strongly that I couldn't do it again. Even if someone could have given me a crystal ball and told me that I would have a easy pregnancy with absolutely zero complications, I couldn't do it, and I still feel that way today, almost 4 years later.

From the time I was 17 weeks pregnant until my babies were born 16 weeks later, I was a nervous wreck. (To read about why, visit here.) I felt emotions that are impossible to describe. I felt blessed beyond measure to be carrying TWO babies, yet I felt like my pregnancy was a ticking time bomb. I just didn't know if the bomb was active or a dud. I knew that if I lost the babies life would go on and I would be comforted. At the same time, I could barely bear the thought of not having my babies. At any given second my babies could have been wreaking havoc on each other in utero, and I was powerless to stop them. I felt utterly and totally helpless. And very few people understood. It was a very isolating time.

That pregnancy came after pregnancy #2 where baby was born with a virus I passed on to her and an induced labor where her heartrate was abnormally high for too long. And pregnancy #3 where baby had an irregular unbilical cord (2 vessels instead of 3) that caused many days of stress and fear, a CF scare and hospitalization as an infant.

Back to the the last pregnancy though. I made the decision to have aggressive inpatient monitoring for my babies. It was the best thing for them, but whether it was the best thing for our family I didn't know. I had no idea how my children and husband would deal with having me gone for more than 2 months.

I exercised a lot of faith that my family would be taken care of. I prayed constantly for the peace of mind that would tell me everything would work out well. That if it didn't I would be able to go on. I trusted that if I did everything in my power to ensure my babies made it until their scheduled premature birthday, I would get through anything. Or that if they didn't, that I did all that I could and that I would still have the strength (courage?) to get through all the other things life threw my way.

Except another pregnancy. The thought of ever being pregnant again made me, um.... more than anxious.

And that sort of puts the cap on 5.

My hands are full, but my heart is fuller. And I feel content. I think that making that decision took courage and spirit.

Besides, we are already being eaten out of house and home.

Moxie? I think so.

And speaking of Moxie.........I'm off to see what Moxie Mona is up to today. I have a feeling she's been having a really, really good time!

Thursday, September 24
Kentucky: Alas 3 Lads
Michigan: Buried With Children
Indiana: Adventures in Babywearing
Ohio: Chefdruck Musings
West Virginia: My Life As It Should Be

Virginia: Lulaville
Pennsylvania: Stacy’s Random Thoughts, Feels Like Home, and My iRish Twins
Maryland: parenting BY dummies, and Barely Domestic

After visiting the remaining seven states Mona will be returning, exhausted I'm sure, to the Golden State (that would be California) for a little R and R. On this day you can participate and link up to Give Me Your Best Shot hosted by Better In Bulk. You will be asked to show your best shot using super hero photos from past holidays, pictures of your kids dressing up, etc.

Don't forget to enter my fab giveaways this week. You can find the links in my right side bar.


Erin said...

5 full is a good number! And I love how you said your heart is fuller! And I couldn't imagine going through what you did with the twins! Glad it all worked out okay!!

Unknown said...

I felt the same overwhelming feeling of being DONE when I was pregnant with AJ. And, like you, I still feel done 4.5 years later. The closest I've come to a twin pregnancy was watching my good friend here go through it....and I must say that I commend you! I am fairly certain my body and my heart would not have handled it well. On the other hand, your description of the twin pregnancy sounded oddly familiar to my current situation. A ticking time bomb? That's what I feel is going on at my home right now.

supahmommy- somethin's wrong with that girl said...

50 toes

that's an amazing way to note your numbers

my friend has triplies. :) you both have moxie

Susie said...

I think that it is wise to know your limit.

kisatrtle said...

I have three and I always wanted five until I got pregnant and realized how hard it was.

Kiki said...

You are truly a superwoman, full of moxie supermom. I only have my one boy. I used to want no children. In college, I met big D and wanted to marry him and have one son. I am so happy with lil' D. I think he is perfect. It takes a special person to have multiple children. I don't think I could ever handle having another child. Sometimes I wish I did have a second. My sister and my best friend both have three. I don't know how they do it ALL. They are full of moxie supermoms. Have a wonderful day and take care.

Kathy B! said...

You are moxie personified.

I still long for one more, but four it will have to be for me. After my twins the docs said no more for you, KathyB!!!

Jaysi said...

5 is fabulous....way more than I could ever handle, but fabulous! 50 toes!!!??? When you say it like that it sounds like you live with an army or something! Too funny!

Kristin said...

Jeff would like MORE kids? Wow, what a guy!

K said...

That is moxie! Being pregnant even just once requires moxie and then raising children! Five is a great number. We're at two and my hubby feels his heart is fuller with two and done, but I'm still wondering about a 3rd. Your family is beautiful!

Stefany said...

I have five in my home as well... it is enough. I agree.

I totally think pregnancy shows moxie on a mother... but especially with the issues and decisions you were faced with.

Scary Mommy said...

You are my hero. I don't know how you do it!!

Grand Pooba said...

WOW! I guess you didn't have a choice, you had to have courage or else you wouldn't be able to survive! That's crazy!

girlytwins said...

5 is a great number :) It's way more than I could handle. But you seem to do it with ease.

I would certainly say that you showed extreme amounts of Moxie during your pregnancies.

Twincerely,Olga said...

You have a beautiful family! I am glad you all made it okay! I have 5 children too.My last two are B/G twins!! Please stop by as I am a new blogger!!

Twincerely,Olga said...

I almost forgot my friend(Lani) have a Multiples blogspot!The button is on my blog.It's called Multiples and More! Come and join us!

Jen said...

I just need to say that I understand. I understand that high rish pregnancy and I felt that fear. God has richly blessed us both.

Live.Love.Eat said...

50 toes - what a cute way to put it in perspective. Well, you are a real life superwoman, that I know.

I can only imagine all that you went through although you're posts do a good job of painting the picture. All your fears and anxiety are totally understandable. I do admire Jeff for even wanting another. Wow.

Unknown said...

You epitomize Moxie, Angie! I'm sure it was so hard to endure that during your pregnancy.

And 5 seems like "a lot" of kids to me!! I'm going to do good to handle three! : )

AiringMyLaundry said...

I think I'd lose my mind with 5 kids.

I just have 2 and I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. So I can't imagine what I'd be like if I had 3more.

I'm not used to a lot of kids since I was an Only Child. I was used to silence so all this noise is a huge surprise to me.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I was the complete opposite about my twins. Totally oblivious to the risk. After a very routine first pregnancy and delivery - I was full of hubris. Luckily it was fine - but now I know soooo much more about multiple birth risks (any birth risks!)

I did drive myself to the hospital after my water broke at the hair salon though. In rush hour. So I think that took a little moxie!

Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

That's a lot of toes! I'm sorry you had such rough pregnancies. But glad your heart is nice and full!

(Who do I talk to if Moxie Mona wants to make a trip up to Canada? :P)

KatBouska said...

Wow! And I can't believe Jeff would want more kids!! Amazing. Your family is gorgeous and perfect and I applaud you for making a decision that could very well have saved your babies lives. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you!

Shannon said...

Moxie for sure...I can vouch for you:) 5 is a good number!! Not small at all. Just right.

Jenners said...

I think 50 toes is quite enough!!! I'm a 10 toe mother myself and I find that to be more than enough. Stressful pregnancies (and you've had your fair share) are really really awful and I do think moxie is the only way to get through. I'm glad those days are behind you.

Kelli @ writing the waves said...

Motherhood and moxie are one in the same if you ask me! Especially for you, having to go through such taxing pregnancies. I'm in awe of how you manage everything (including this blog!) with FIVE kiddos. I can barely keep up with my two! Like you though, I feel very content and happy with the size of our family. I love kids too and always thought I'd have 3 or 4, but I really do feel that our family is complete. Besides, once I start teaching school again, I'll have at least twenty more kids, five days a week! :)