Writer's Workshop-Motherhood

Motherhood.

Are there enough words to describe how it has changed me?

See, the thing about motherhood is:

There are a lot of variables that make being a mommy pretty unpredictable. One can control many variables with schedules, but even those have flaws. There is no guarantee that the whipper snapper(s) involved is going to adhere to the "rules" imposed. I like a schedule. I love nap time and the time it gives me to take a deep breath. I love that every day has a moment that allows for reflection on the unexpected that invariably already happened that day.

The first time I got pregnant I didn't mind throwing up everyday. I didn't mind gaining 50 lbs. and looking like a beached whale. I didn't mind any of the weird things that the body goes through to grow a baby, but I did mind one thing. And it took me years to admit it. I saw plenty of births in childbirth class, yet I don't remember or forgot that many times they don't clean the baby before giving him/her to the mommy. After I birthed my first baby, they promptly put her on my stomach and I literally didn't know what to do. I was crying because I had just experienced the greatest joy of my life, yet I was perplexed. Was I supposed to pick up the slightly stinky, bloody baby, or just touch her? Worse yet, I didn't know if there was something wrong with me for really just wanting to hold her once she was swaddled and cleaned? That was my first experience with the conflicting emotions that motherhood brings.

While I was pregnant, I fully committed to breastfeeding. I knew that it would be easy, economical and the best thing for my baby. A few days after the birth, my milk came in. I was a little shocked. By everything, even though I thought I knew all about it. I DID not know that it (human breast milk) didn't come out in a single stream. How was it that no one had ever told me this? I had commited to breastfeeding, yet for me it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. It was stressful for me, and I didn't feel like it provided an opportunity for extra bonding. I wasn't expecting this.

The latest revelation that has shocked me is that even though I love to read, I don't love reading with my children who are learning to read. This is supposed to be a magical time, but I find myself going crazy waiting for each word to be deciphered. I think it must make me a bad mom in a way, but perhaps it just shows how much I love my children in order to do these things that I don't love.

In fact, that must be it. The thing about being a mommy is love. In all it's unexpected forms. Has it changed me? Infinitely. It's perplexed me, it's humbled me, it's allowed me adventures I never dreamed of. It's made me far less self centered AND. It's filled me with joy.

Head on over to Mama Kat's place to see what others are saying.

Day 4: Writer's Workshop-Moxie?

Moxie is defined as having spirit and courage.

Although I would like to think that I exercise Moxie on a regular basis, the truth is that I'm not at all sure that I do. If there was ever a time in my life that I feel that I exibited Moxie, it would have to be during my twins' pregnancy. It was the most stressful, isolating, scary, emotionally taxing period of time I hope to ever live through. I know that I got through it with help, but I also like to think that it was my spirit and courage that got me through it sane, with the decision firmly made that our family was complete.

Our last familial addition was by 20 perfect little toes. I'm thankful that those 20 toes combined with the 30 perfect little toes we had at home. I have 50 toes of varying kid sizes in my home now, and that makes me very, very happy. And content. You see, 5 children is enough for me.

Not because I don't love kids, especially my own, but because we made the decision that our family was complete while I was pregnant with the twins. I should really say that I pushed the decision, and Jeff supported me in it, which will always mean the world to me.

He wanted more children, and frankly still does, I think. But I don't. And he respects that.

I feel like my hands are full and my heart is happy with our little 5.

But that's not all. While I was going through my last pregnancy it was so emotionally taxing that I felt strongly that I couldn't do it again. Even if someone could have given me a crystal ball and told me that I would have a easy pregnancy with absolutely zero complications, I couldn't do it, and I still feel that way today, almost 4 years later.

From the time I was 17 weeks pregnant until my babies were born 16 weeks later, I was a nervous wreck. (To read about why, visit here.) I felt emotions that are impossible to describe. I felt blessed beyond measure to be carrying TWO babies, yet I felt like my pregnancy was a ticking time bomb. I just didn't know if the bomb was active or a dud. I knew that if I lost the babies life would go on and I would be comforted. At the same time, I could barely bear the thought of not having my babies. At any given second my babies could have been wreaking havoc on each other in utero, and I was powerless to stop them. I felt utterly and totally helpless. And very few people understood. It was a very isolating time.

That pregnancy came after pregnancy #2 where baby was born with a virus I passed on to her and an induced labor where her heartrate was abnormally high for too long. And pregnancy #3 where baby had an irregular unbilical cord (2 vessels instead of 3) that caused many days of stress and fear, a CF scare and hospitalization as an infant.

Back to the the last pregnancy though. I made the decision to have aggressive inpatient monitoring for my babies. It was the best thing for them, but whether it was the best thing for our family I didn't know. I had no idea how my children and husband would deal with having me gone for more than 2 months.

I exercised a lot of faith that my family would be taken care of. I prayed constantly for the peace of mind that would tell me everything would work out well. That if it didn't I would be able to go on. I trusted that if I did everything in my power to ensure my babies made it until their scheduled premature birthday, I would get through anything. Or that if they didn't, that I did all that I could and that I would still have the strength (courage?) to get through all the other things life threw my way.

Except another pregnancy. The thought of ever being pregnant again made me, um.... more than anxious.

And that sort of puts the cap on 5.

My hands are full, but my heart is fuller. And I feel content. I think that making that decision took courage and spirit.

Besides, we are already being eaten out of house and home.

Moxie? I think so.

And speaking of Moxie.........I'm off to see what Moxie Mona is up to today. I have a feeling she's been having a really, really good time!

Thursday, September 24
Kentucky: Alas 3 Lads
Michigan: Buried With Children
Indiana: Adventures in Babywearing
Ohio: Chefdruck Musings
West Virginia: My Life As It Should Be
Virginia: Lulaville
Pennsylvania: Stacy’s Random Thoughts, Feels Like Home, and My iRish Twins
Maryland: parenting BY dummies, and Barely Domestic

After visiting the remaining seven states Mona will be returning, exhausted I'm sure, to the Golden State (that would be California) for a little R and R. On this day you can participate and link up to Give Me Your Best Shot hosted by Better In Bulk. You will be asked to show your best shot using super hero photos from past holidays, pictures of your kids dressing up, etc.

Don't forget to enter my fab giveaways this week. You can find the links in my right side bar.

Writer's Workshop-My Neighbors

I'm pretty sure none of my neighbors will ever have access to my blog so for once I can talk about someone and feel pretty confident it won't get back to them. I feel sure that none of my neighbors are up with the whole blogging scene. They are WAY too busy looking into or wandering around in my yard.

Here's the thing.

We moved into a well established, older neighborhood where most of the home owners ARE the original owners. Their children are all long grown up and gone, and I sense they have a sort of proprietary feeling about the neigborhood.

On one hand, I'm glad. I feel SUPER safe here because we definitely have a built in neighborhood watch system. On the other hand, I'm having a hard time getting used to having neighbors in my yard, or looking into my yard when I didn't invite them. It's just weird.

When we first closed on the house, I can't count on my two hands how many times I arrived here to work on the house and strangers would be wandering around the property, not realizing it was NO LONGER on the market. I thought that was odd.

Then one day the next door neighbor opened the side fence, walked on back and asked my husband when the new owners were moving in. Did I mention she interrupted him on the phone to do so? She thought he was a "worker". Irritating.

When our pool was being remodeled another neighbor frequently let himself into our backyard to talk to our concrete guys. He wanted some work done too. He even brought his dog with him. I don't know. I was under the impression that if you wanted to enter someone's gated yard, you asked. You walked to the front door, rang the doorbell. Introduced yourself to the home owners. Told them you needed some concrete work done and could you have their business card please? Or better yet, could you talk to them in person? And you'd leave your dog home. Possibly?

Remember those pictures I showed you of the side of my house that we landscaped? Well, the area used to function as RV parking. So, there is a two sided opening fence behind a DRIVEWAY. Not the driveway we park in, but a driveway none-the-less. Let me illustrate:

(see there on the right? You can see where the side walk sort of T's with the driveway?)

(That's the gate I'm talking about.)

One has to walk the length of the driveway to get to the gates to enter the backyard. I just happen to have a sliding door that leads from my bedroom to the sideyard pretty near the fence. This morning I woke up because one of my neighbors was practically climbing the fence trying to see into the backyard. Again. I don't get it. One can clearly see into my backyard from the street.

I just don't get it.

Maybe they are just more interested in the yard than in us. Maybe I burned my bridges when one of said neighbors brought me a delicious cake and I didn't invite her in (in my defense though, I was leaving).

Bottom line? I live in a neighborhood where the only kids are MY KIDS and the neighbors like to be in my yard more than I would like them to be. BUT, I still LOVE it.

And, I haven't caught anyone skinny dipping. Yet.

For more Writer's Workshop entries, be sure to visit Mama Kat.

Writer's Workshop-Interview with a child(ren)

It's never too soon to start thinking about the future. Or so I've been told.

With that in mind, I thought it would be prudent to interview the twins and find out what they are planning on doing long term. Just so I'm prepared.

It's quite fitting that John (pictured above), my ladies man, wants to be a daddy. He is still unclear about legal laws concerning marriage within the family, though. He doesn't believe me when I tell him he can't marry his cousin (even though she is beautiful and sweet) insisting it'll be OK when they are both big. Good thing I have a few years to get him to understand.




I wasn't sure what Jacob's (above) long term goals were, but a Power Ranger it is.

I asked him what he'll do as a Power Ranger and he said, "I don't know, mom". I guess his job description is yet to be determined in his mind. And, he has years to work on it.