Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Mother's Day....

It's Mother's Day, and this post is for Dianne, my mother. Even though I haven't seen or touched or smelled my mother in more than 24 years, I still remember her. I get teary eyed thinking about what could have been. All the times I missed being with her, and all the times she missed physically being with us.

My mother was my world. She was kind and infinitely patient with me. She never lost her temper and always dealt with me justly. I was a lovable terror. I cried all the time if I didn't get what I wanted. This was almost always my mom. I'm not sure what endeared myself to my parents or why they didn't just lose it and beat me one day. Maybe it's because I was their baby, maybe they felt guilty about the divorse, or maybe they just knew that under neath the tantrums was a little spirit just needing to be loved. I've always known that I was loved, and I've held on to that all these years.

I wonder what memories my children will have have of me? Do they know unequivacably that I love them and would do anything for them? Will they realize that I go through each day trying to do what I can to make their day better? Sometimes I just think about my children and cry thinking about not being able to raise them. It's hard to stop crying thinking about what I'd miss without them. My children are so incredibly special to me both individually and collectively. They make my heart full. I strive to be the mother to my children that my mother was to me. I know that I fail miserable sometimes, but I try. Harder than I've tried to ever to do anything else. I've always felt like my mother was with me, and I still strive to make her proud of me. I want to replicate the wonderful things she did for me for my children. It's taken years to figure it out, but we have something in common. We both love our children with all of our hearts. I *HEART* my mom.

And to my MIL, sisters, grandma, aunts and SIL's I *HEART* you!

9 comments:

Heather said...

UGh! Your post made me tearful on the first sentence! Amazing words and sentiment. Thank you!

Sarah said...

Your not suppose to make us cry on Mother's Day!! Thank You for sharing your feelings. I completely agree!!

Quilao Triplets said...

Angie,
My mom also died very young...I was only 17 years old. Hard to believe it will be 15 years this August for me. So sorry to read we share this. Beautiful pictures of you and your family. Your red hair is gorgeous:)

Shannon said...

Angie,
I cannot imagine losing my mom so young. I am so sorry that you didn't get more time with her but it sounds like the time you did get created some really wonderful memories!

I, like you, wonder all of the time what my kids will remember about me. I had a hard childhood with my mom and try really hard to create a positive experience for my kids because of it. Motherhood is the most wonderful experience but it is also the most challenging I am sure!

Happy Mother's Day!

Shannon said...

BTW, I know that your mom is REALLY proud of the beautiful woman that you are!

Laura said...

Angie,
I too was touched by this post. I am so sorry for such a deep loss! I really admire you for all you have been through and what a tremendous mother you are. I think we all need people around us mothering with us, and pushing us to be better, more patient mothers. You are the best!

Doug & Stacy Fournier said...

what an awesome post. i am so sorry you lost your mom. i have to say that i don't know what i would do had i lost my mom already. i too wonder what my kids will remember me for and if their memories will be good. i hope so, i hope that i have made some good memories with them! i think you are an awesome mom, and a great encouragement to me!!

Debra said...

Your post brought such tears to my eyes! Your mom sounds amazing. I am sure she is allowed with you when you need mothering the most and she is so proud of you!!! You sound just like her. Such an amazing mother. Sometimes I read your posts and think to myself that I want to be just like you! You are an inspiration!!!

Kristen said...

Angie, I wish I had known your mother, but when I look at you, you remind me of her even though I have never met her. All the stories my mom tells me about Dianne remind me of the way you act. It's like her spirit resides within you. You are a beautiful person and a wonderful mother. It was great to see you today!